Capable

Today:

I sometimes write out a post and then let it sit on my computer for a time.  For one reason or another, it is not the right time to share, but I still need to get the words out of my head. This is one of those posts.  I wrote this while we were working on completing our home study and didn’t feel like my frustrated honesty was best aired while in the middle of that process.  But today, on Father’s Day, it seemed like the right time to share.  

Original Post: 

I’ve said many times that writing is my therapy and sometimes I literally NEED to put the words on paper so I can stop thinking about it.  These last few days I’ve been a bit combative with myself.  I really, really want to show grace through this process, but there are times when my emotions get the best of me.  

I had a much different post swirling around in my head for a while, a frustrated and somewhat angry post (one that I wouldn’t be proud of if I’d actually shared), but yesterday I went to my bible study and learned more about forgiveness and then spent a good bit of time walking the trails and letting God set me straight.  

I realized that those emotions I was carrying around and blaming on others were really misplaced.  And while I thought I was offended, which is a much easier emotion to deal with, I was actually dealing with hurt and fear.  

It has been really hard this week, and quite honestly so hurtful, to watch D have to meet with his counselor, make so many phone calls, and send multiple e-mails to obtain the documentation needed to prove his anxiety is not an issue with his parenting.  It brings tears to my eyes just to say that… he has to provide proof that he is fit to be a parent.  

I get it.  

Trust me. 

I know why they have to do all this.  

I’d probably think they were unprofessional if they didn’t thoroughly check.  

But this time, the person they are questioning is my husband. The daddy/Von to our children.  And not only is he fit and capable to parent…he’s FANTASTIC at it. Our daughter loves him with an unmatched ferocity and he is her best friend.  He’s the get on the floor and play, the cause of bath time giggles, the off-roading the Prius to get to the good fishing spots, the hide-and-seek, “let’s play race”, basketball rebounding dad.  He is present, every single day.  His family is his whole entire life and to make him prove that, when I live and witness it everyday, is just so heartbreakingly difficult. 

And even though, I promise you that I understand the why, it still seems unfair.  

He has trouble dealing with worry.  Sometimes, when the world is straight messed up, medication and/or counseling helps him.  And I don’t feel like I am any different.  I don’t feel like any of us really are any different.  

When I went though my divorce I started having trouble dealing with stress.  MY world was straight messed up and my brain didn’t know what to do with it so my body physically reacted.  The muscles in my shoulders and back knotted so viciously that a hand laid on my shoulder would reduce me to tears. I was prescribed medication to relax my muscles and went to therapy, both physical and counseling.  To this day, even the smallest amounts of stress will settle in my shoulders. 

The parallels are unmistakable, and yet because one is labeled as stress and the other as anxiety, only HE has to prove he is capable.  Only HE has to carry the guilt that certain countries won’t accept us as parents and that the progress of our home study is currently being affected.  And all of that feels so unfair.  

And all the while, there’s a tiny little boy, spending his days alone in a crib. 

A boy who not only deserves a dad, but a boy who deserves THIS dad.  This dad who is going to be his soft place to land, his always-in-my-corner fighter, his meet-me-where-I’m-at playmate.  A dad who already loves him as if he’s been in our home, a beloved son, for the last four years.  

It’s hard to watch D have to prove himself.  It’s even harder to know that the time it’s taking to prove it, is more time this sweet boy is being deprived of the most amazing, loves-without-bounds, father. 

This has by far, been the hardest part of this process to date.  And wouldn’t you know, the one who’s most upset over it…is me.  D’s just doing what needs to be done to keep moving forward, because that’s what great dads do, humble themselves and make the necessary sacrifices for their kids.  

I am just so anxious and excited for this boy to know that kind of love.