Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
-Romans 12:12
I’ve realized over the past two months that my patience has varying limits for different things. I always thought I was pretty patient, and for most things, I still think I am.
~Waiting in line at Walmart
~Waiting for Josie to stop stalling at bedtime
~Waiting for my coffee pot to finish when I forget to set the morning timer
~Waiting for Hayden to finally emerge from basketball practice that was over 25 minutes ago
~Waiting for this dratted snow to melt
~Waiting for my videos to upload for work
~Waiting for my dog to stop trailing behind me all day … nope, sorry. NO patience for that.
In general, I’m pretty proud of my levels of patience.
But when it comes to waiting on other people during this adoption, I’m finding my reserve of patience in that category to be extremely small. Next to nothing actually. And while I won’t say I’m proud of that, I also won’t deny its truth.
Now that we have a timeline, a due date, my patience seems to have been swapped out with urgency and I’m having quite a hard time keeping it in check. August 18, 2021. That’s when our Dossier is due in our boy’s country. And right now there is literally NOTHING more we can do but wait. There are steps in our Dossier Checklist, one thing unable to be completed without the thing before it. And truth be told, no one has been dragging their feet, I just feel an anxiousness for it to go faster!
It is really important to me that through this process I handle myself with grace, not only because we are opening up and sharing the whole process with all of you, but also because we know God is writing this story and who are we to question his timing? But if I were to be straight with you, I worry that as we continue, my grace will become harder and harder to grasp. And it’s early. Our time of waiting has truly been very small.
But you guys, I walk past my dresser (slash adoption files organizing station) and see these three photos. Our kids. I see our smallest boy with those wispy hairs that grow low on his forehead and those long gorgeous eyelashes and all that grace I’m reaching for tries to sidestep me. It is hard and my always-ten-step-ahead brain keeps warning me that if we don’t check things off soon, our timeline is going to get stressed.
And then I feel selfish, because really, what have I waited for? I know people, and have friends I love, who have children waiting in countries that won’t even entertain the thought of opening up the adoption process again. That is a wait I cannot fathom, and yet I complain about things not moving fast enough and annoy D with my, “how much longer should we wait before we call?” and “have you heard anything yet?” questions.
What’s the saying? “Hurry up and wait.” I’m good with the “hurry up”. It means we are making progress, moving forward, getting closer to the day we can scoop up our boy and pour love into him. I’m not so good with the “and wait”. The wait has us at a standstill, and my heart tells me that’s not good enough for our boy.
In the meantime I plan to try and turn my anxiousness toward our fundraisers and preparing his room (which helps me feel as if we are still moving forward) and soaking up every precious moment with my sweet babies here. Ultimately, just hoping to keep my urgency and grace in a healthy balance.
Thank you, as always, to everyone who has supported us and continues to do so. Thanks for allowing me these little therapy sessions. We are so grateful for all of you!
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The Other Side of Fear 