Stubborn

I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally give us more than we can handle.  Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in or lives.”  

– Katie Davis Majors, Kisses from Katie

January 5, 2021

You know, I’ve always harbored the hope that someday, someone would read this blog and it would change something in them.  Mostly I’ve hoped that they would see us as a normal, everyday, imperfect, nothing special family and think, ‘If they can do this, I can too’.  Or maybe it would even be something as simple as becoming aware of the special needs orphan crisis and be stirred to act, in someway, on behalf of these children.  

But lately, as I’ve been reflecting over the changes happening in our process I’m beginning to hope EVEN MORE, that if no one is ever led to adopt because of our story, that they will at least be able to see the way God worked in us, through us, and through others to bring us here.  So, so many things have lined up, changed, happened, or fell into our laps that cannot possibly be explained other than God.  Our hearts, minds, and views have been shaped and changed and led in ways we never would have imagined.  

I’ve been spouting since we first began this journey that I am listening to His plan and open to where He wants to lead us.  But what I realized this week is that I am completely full of poo.  

The truth is, I am TRYING to listen to His plan and I am TRYING to be open to His path, but I am so overwhelmingly human that I just get in the way.  My selfish desires, my want for comfort, my ‘perfect plan’ sometimes gets so hardwired into me that I just don’t listen.  

I’m writing this today with no intentions of sharing until later, until I can write a full post and explain the changes, but I wanted to start when this feeling in me was raw and new so that maybe I could write it in a way that you would feel it too.  

If you remember way back to the day I sat in church, sobbing because I knew He was asking something seemingly impossible of us, that is the day this part of our journey began.  That is the day I journaled about that moment and wrote down, “…we WILL be going to Ukraine and bringing home…..”.  

From the first moment, I was planning for Ukraine.  Sure, I said we were open to where God led us, and I wanted that to be true, but in my heart, I was set.  I knew all about the process.  I was comfortable with it. I knew what agency was the best (in my mind).  I’d already talked to them.  I really only looked at the waiting children from that country (and if you remember, freaked out because no one felt like our child).  Every single time I wrote or spoke about travel, expenses, process…in my mind, I was speaking about Ukraine, even when I said we were open.  

God is so very patient with me. 

Not only did it take me YEARS to finally listen in the first place, then it took me another year to understand and accept that we are not supposed to go to Ukraine.  

I love the way He lets me sit with my stubborn human nature for a bit, before He shows me in no uncertain terms what I am being asked to do.  Even greater, I love the way He leads me to into these scary, impossible places, but fills me up with an intense calm, knowing that He’s got this. He always had, if I hadn’t been too bullheaded to listen. 

Two days ago I was already working with our adoption agency from Ukraine.  We hadn’t signed with them, but we’d gotten our welcome letter and Typical Process e-mail.  Sitting right there, a bullet point, an UNDERLINED bullet point,  was my “no uncertain terms” from God. It said that a requirement was that there was “no history of mental health conditions”.  D immediately thought that meant we didn’t qualify since anxiety has been a bit of an issue in our family. I, being how I am, dismissed him thinking,  ‘Of course anxiety didn’t count.  We qualified for Ukraine.’  

Still I asked. 

And I was wrong. We DO NOT qualify for adoption in Ukraine.  Sure, we could lie.  All we need is a doctor to sign off that it wasn’t present any longer.  There is no prescribed medication, so it would be very easy to fill out our papers in a way that would qualify us, but neither of us wants to be dishonest.  

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t panic for a minute. Everything I knew and felt comfortable with was in MY plan to go to Ukraine. 

But this has never been MY plan.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to completely know that.  This is His plan, and literally as soon as I started thinking, ‘Ok, so where do we go?’, that calm I mentioned settled in.  I found a country we qualified for without lying.  I knew NOTHING about their process but every next thing I learned about adopting from that country felt right.  Every single aspect of the process worked better for us, the agencies I spoke to felt like a better fit, every person I contacted over the past few days were meant to set our minds at ease and I’m sitting here, just two days later, with a complete sense of peace about where we are headed.  

January 18, 2021

What a whirlwind couple weeks it’s been for our adoption.  I have poured myself into learning about adoption in this Eastern European country.  We’ve spoken to several agencies, read all about them, spoken to people who have used them.  For us there was a clear first choice.  My eyes have brimmed with tears more times than I can count, but not because I’m sad or upset, but because I’m not.  I’m the opposite. 

There is a calm in me that I cannot adequately explain and that calm is feeding excitement.  

We started having the conversation, “What are we waiting for?” 

There wasn’t really a good answer, so we decided to quit waiting!!!

We filled completed a pre-screening application, were approved into the Adoption Program for this country, paid our initial fees with the agency of our choice, and have a signed agreement ready to submit!  

So it’s official!  We have started the process to adopt! 

I shared this image with the schools I work with yesterday and it feels enormously fitting here as well.

We are excited, a little scared, and a lot filled up with love and anticipation.   We love you all! 

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